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This month’s weird google searches

I’ve written before about the bizarre google searches that lead to people finding my blog. So I thought it was time I shared some new ones – and of course answered them, just in case they’re still looking for their answer.

  • what to feed a maltese dog that has allergies and is sick of eating kangaroo mince???

That age old problem when your dog is fed up of kangaroo meat eh….  Another person googled…

  • my staffy won’t eat anything else except cooked chicken

So it looks like there is a global problem with dogs being fussy or selective eaters. My advice, as a non-current-dog-owner is not to give in to your dog’s picky or selective tendencies and just feed it whatever you choose.

Weird Paleo-related Google searches on the Paleo Network
Weird Paleo-related Google searches on the Paleo Network

Despite the magic protective powers of the paleo diet, it looks like some people have still been getting colds – and even the flu! Surely there must be a mistake?

  • why do i have a cold on a paleo diet
  • what is this flu that's going around melbourne
  • virus going around canberra
  • bad flu going around Sydney

If you’re going out and about in Melbourne, Canberra or Sydney – look out for germs!

  • how do I get more oil in my diet but not fat?

Hmmm, I hate to break it to you – but oil is fat. Coconut oil, olive oil, peanut oil – they’re all fat….

  • paleo replacement for peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Well this is a difficult one. The classic PBJ is made of bread – not paleo; peanut butter, not paleo; and jelly/ jam – not paleo. How about if we substitute the bread for celery, swap the peanut butter for almond butter and use real strawberries as an alternative for the jelly? Not quite doing it for you?

  • started paleo and my wife says I smell different

Perhaps you’ve spilt bone broth down your shirt?

  • what animal parts make mince
  • what part of the cow is mincemeat

I wish I could say the rump, but in reality the whole point on mince/ ground meat is to make use of parts of the animal that would otherwise be wasted. So your answer is likely to be mainly the offcuts.

  • coconut oil for suffocating insect

Er, how about no? Maybe you could let it outside if it’s bothering you?

  • paleo alternative for lasagne can be penne pasta

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not the shape of the pasta that makes it not paleo. Spaghetti, Fusilli, Vermicelli, Fettuccine, Tagliatelle, Macaroni or Farfalle – it doesn’t matter – they’re not paleo.

  • margarine substitute paleo

This is an easy one – how about coconut oil or butter (if you do dairy)

  • paleo substitute for soy turkey

Gosh, I must be missing something here. Instead of eating synthetic soy turkey, what could you possibly have that is paleo instead? Hmmmmm…. How about TURKEY?!

  • should  I eat genetically modified crops?

Probably best to avoid those GMO’s

  • kangaroo versus ostrich fillets which is better?

Decisions, decisions…. Kangaroo or Ostrich. It can be hard living in Australia sometimes. Having never tried Ostrich, I don’t feel qualified to comment – if you have, perhaps you could help this person out by leaving your preference in the  comments?

  •  will I still have weight loss on paleo if everything isn’t organic

Whilst in an ideal world everything we’d eat would be organic (local, seasonal and unprocessed), in the real world it’s not always so easy. Fortunately this shouldn’t impact on your weight loss efforts.

  • what kind of knives do they use on my kitchen rules

Good question! And one that seems hard to find the answer too. Master Chef use Global Knives, and judging by the amount of blue band aids the contestants have – they’re clearly very sharp!

  • is buying a restaurant in a food court a good idea

Well, I might be biased, but I’d say probably not if it’s a fast food restaurant, I don’t think they’re doing so well these days. But a real food restaurant – now we’re talking!

  • paleo crocodile recipe

Unfortunately I’m all out of paleo crocodile recipes at the moment, but as soon as I’ve experimented with snake recipes, I’ll move straight onto crocodile recipe  development!

  • is the teflon coating on paleo

No, definitely not. Don’t eat it – and if it starts to come off, it’s time to throw your pan away!

  • what counts as two dress sizes

Er, is this a trick question? Maybe going from a size 14 to a size 10?

Even More Strange Google Searches (And What They Say About Us)

Apparently, the internet is full of curious minds—and Google is where those curiosities end up. Every month, I see a new wave of hilariously bizarre, oddly specific, and occasionally alarming searches that somehow direct people to my little Paleo blog. Below are some fresh ones that recently popped up. Let’s unpack them together, shall we?

“how to eat paleo without eating vegetables”

Ah, the holy grail of lazy caveman eating. Technically, yes—you can eat meat, eggs, and fruit and still call it Paleo-ish. But vegetables are kind of the point. Fibre, micronutrients, antioxidants—you know, the stuff your gut microbiome throws a party over? Maybe try hiding some spinach in your morning eggs and see if anyone (even you) notices.

“paleo cereal that tastes like Coco Pops”

I admire the ambition here. While there’s no exact Paleo equivalent of chocolate rice puffs, you could try toasting coconut flakes with cacao and a drizzle of maple syrup for a crunchy cereal fix. It won’t snap, crackle or pop—but it might just satisfy that nostalgic craving.

“why am I still bloated on paleo”

Oh friend, I hear you. It could be too many nuts, cruciferous veg, or perhaps you're suddenly downing more meat than a lion at a barbecue. Also, chewing slower helps (so does not stress-eating half a tray of baked sweet potatoes at 10pm, just saying).

“how to do paleo without quitting coffee\”

This one hits home. Paleo purists may say to ditch it, but most of us aren’t giving up our morning brew. Try it black, or add a dash of coconut milk. Just skip the sugary syrups and barista blends with mystery ingredients.

“paleo for kids who only eat beige food”

If your toddler’s ideal food pyramid is shaped like a potato chip, you’re not alone. Paleo chicken nuggets (made with almond meal or coconut flour) and homemade sweet potato chips are a great start. Also, try pancakes made with banana and egg—they’re beige and secretly nutritious.

“do cavemen eat at Subway”

Short answer: no. Long answer: only if you’re in a post-apocalyptic theme park and the Subway is run by velociraptors. But if you’re in a pinch, order a salad bowl and skip the dressing. Close enough?

“is rice paleo if I say it is”

This sounds like a philosophical argument in the making. Technically no, rice is a grain and not Paleo. But if your version of Paleo includes white rice as a personal exception? Then maybe you’re following “Paleo with benefits.” Just don’t tell Loren Cordain.

“how to explain paleo to my grandma”

Tell her it’s like how she used to eat when she was young—meat, veg, broth, eggs, fruit, and none of that microwave packet stuff. If she nods and offers you a biscuit, you’re halfway there.

“is wine paleo if it's organic”

Now we’re getting technical. While wine isn’t part of a strict Paleo diet, many people include the occasional glass—especially if it’s sulphite-free and made with minimal intervention. It’s a grey area, but hey, Paleo isn’t a religion. Cheers to moderation!

“can I be paleo if I hate cooking”

Absolutely! You just need to embrace batch cooking and simple meals. Roast a tray of chicken thighs, bake a bunch of sweet potatoes, and sauté some frozen veg in coconut oil. No Michelin stars required.

“do cavepeople eat cupcakes”

If they did, they were hiding some serious baking skills. But today, we’ve got almond flour, coconut flour, and natural sweeteners to help us cheat the system. Paleo cupcakes? Yes. Just don’t eat six in one sitting and call it ‘ancestral health’.

“what if I eat paleo but still want snacks at night”

We’ve all been there. Keep a stash of Paleo-approved snacks like boiled eggs, beef jerky, or a handful of macadamias. Better yet, prep some bliss balls with dates, cacao and almonds for when the sweet tooth strikes.

“paleo food for hangover”

The modern hunter-gatherer occasionally overdoes the fermented grape, I get it. Scrambled eggs with avocado, bone broth, and a banana can do wonders. Hydrate, sleep it off, and try not to regret dancing barefoot on that pub table.

“how to do paleo when your partner keeps buying bread”

Ah, the ancient art of cohabiting with non-believers. My advice: smile, nod, and designate a “carb zone” in your kitchen. Then proceed to cook the most delicious Paleo meals possible until they secretly convert.

“paleo air fryer recipes that don’t taste like sadness”

Challenge accepted. Try air fryer buffalo cauliflower, crispy chicken wings, or salmon patties. Drizzle with tahini or aioli made with avocado oil. Boom—no sadness in sight.

“can I survive on sweet potato and bacon”

Technically yes, but your gut and your doctor might stage an intervention. Throw in some greens and call it a meal, not a dare.

“how to do paleo without being annoying at parties”

Pro tip: offer to bring a dish. Paleo devilled eggs, meatballs, or dark chocolate bark travel well and make you look generous, not difficult. Plus, you’ll always have something you can eat.

“paleo-friendly foods that don’t feel like a punishment”

If your Paleo meals feel like punishment, you’re doing it wrong. Think butter chicken with cauliflower rice, zucchini fritters, lamb koftas with tahini drizzle, or chocolate mousse made with avocado and cacao. There’s so much joy to be had—no deprivation required.

So, what have we learned?

The internet is full of Paleo-curious, Paleo-confused, and occasionally Paleo-sarcastic people trying to find their way. If that’s you—welcome. You’re among friends here. The Paleo lifestyle doesn’t have to be boring or rigid; it can be funny, flexible, and full of flavour.

And if you’ve found this page because you googled something like “paleo sandwich that looks like a turtle” or “caveman meal prep containers,” please say hi in the comments—I’d love to know what else is floating around in the Google-verse!

This week’s strangest Google searches

Every so often I look at the Google searches that brings people to this blog. And as you’ll see, there are some really strange ones. These are the searches that have confused me this week…

Weird paleo google searches paleo network-min

“what to feed a maltese dog that has allergies and is sick of eating kangaroo mince???”

(Er, just a suggestion – something other than kangaroo mince?)

“I've cooked a chicken, can i give my cat the jelly stock”

(I'm no cat expert, but maybe it depends on whether your cat likes jelly stock?)

“facebook sad to see what parents do with their babies”

(Perhaps you should be asking social services, rather than me?)

“indonesian women carrying heavy things on their heads”

(Have strong heads?)

“can you make cauliflower rice using a smoothie maker”

(Wouldn’t that be a cauliflower smoothie?)

“is buying a restaurant in a food court a good idea”

(Are we talking McDonalds or Subway?)

“where can i buy refined sunflower oil in Melbourne”

(You’ve come to completely the wrong blog…)

“does kale have to be washed before making chips”

(Let me guess. You've just made a batch of kale chips, then noticed some dried in dirt and maybe an insect – and you're hoping to get the go ahead to dive in? Would it annoy you if I suggested you make a new batch with clean kale?)

“packed lunch ideas for men with no microwaves”

(Ah, if only you’d asked me for lunch ideas for 27-35 year old women with microwaves, I’d have been able to help)

“does crooked teeth lead to a sloped forehead”

(Perhaps you should Google dentist? Or doctor?)

“what is the perfect use of pork and knife”

(Do you mean fork and knife? Or are you trying to eat roast pork without a fork? I’m confused.)

“marine tells kid to shop somewhere else”

(Are you a marine who dislikes children? Or a kid who's been thrown out of a shop? Either way, I'm confused.)

“can you get high off of kangaroo jerky”

(I don't even know where to start with this one)

“where to buy minced meat for babies”

(Everything about that sentence sounds wrong)

“best ipad cover for reading in bed”

(And you found my blog, how?)

“can i just live off fizzy drinks”

(No. Just no.)

“going to work with the flu”

(And passing it on to everyone else?)

“wolves eating a trolley”

(I have nothing for you)

“how to give up food”

(probably best to save this one until you’re dead?)

When Search Engines Go Rogue: More Curious Queries

Having looked through even more of the bizarre search terms that lead people to this blog, I’ve started to realise that Google is not only a search engine — it’s a window into the human psyche. Or at least, into a particularly confused and sometimes deeply concerned subsection of it. Here are some more strange and unexpected ways people have stumbled across paleo.com.au…

“can you make soup in a toaster?”

I’m honestly impressed by the level of optimism in this question. Technically, you could pour soup into a toaster, but I promise the end result will be neither nourishing nor electric shock–free. Invest in a saucepan.

“paleo diet for lizards”

Unless you’re keeping a dinosaur as a pet, I suspect your lizard already follows a pretty ancestral diet. Crickets, worms, the occasional moth — very organic, very free range.

“can I use bacon as a bookmark”

Only if you want to attract dogs, ants, and possibly your local possum population. Also, please don’t lend out that book.

“is it ok to eat only foods that begin with B”

If your list includes beef, broccoli, berries, and bone broth — then sure, that’s a solid Paleo meal plan. But if it’s bread, bagels and beer… we might need to talk.

“can i sun-dry meat on my balcony in sydney?”

Technically yes, but only if you’re prepared for a potential visit from your strata committee, a few confused magpies, and the risk of a council health inspection. Use an oven or dehydrator, or at least wait until winter.

“do almonds count as friends”

If you’ve reached this stage, it might be time to log off and call an actual human. But on the plus side, almonds are supportive, dependable, and always available at short notice.

“can I feed kombucha to my houseplants”

They might not thank you. The acidity and sugar aren’t ideal for foliage — unless you’re growing a particularly hipster indoor jungle.

“how many eggs can i balance on my head if i go Paleo”

The number probably remains unchanged regardless of diet, but I do admire the experimental spirit. Just please film it if you try.

“does the caveman diet include coffee and sarcasm”

Absolutely. While caffeine wasn’t part of Grok’s foraging routine, modern Paleo is all about practical adaptation — and as for sarcasm, well, I consider it essential.

“will eating liver make me less boring”

Potentially. It’s rich in nutrients and iron, so you’ll at least have the energy to talk more. But if you’re pinning your personality on organ meats alone, maybe also work on your anecdotes?

“my child only eats chia seeds, is this normal”

It depends on the quantity and context. A few tablespoons? Fine. A literal bowl of dry seeds for every meal? Might be time for a family food intervention (and a hydration plan).

“how do i politely tell someone their smoothies are weird”

I’d suggest: “That’s a unique combination! I’ve never seen pickles, avocado and protein powder blended before.” Polite, intrigued — and never making eye contact with their Nutribullet again.

“can i paleoify jelly snakes”

Technically, yes. You can use grass-fed gelatin, honey, and fruit juice. But emotionally? You’ll still know you’ve tried to recreate a lolly in the shape of a reptile. Proceed with caution.

“do I need to oil myself to do CrossFit”

Only if you’re competing in a particularly flamboyant version of the CrossFit Games. Otherwise, a simple pair of trainers and a tolerance for burpees should do the trick.

“is an air fryer a valid relationship status”

Look, if it brings you joy, doesn’t judge your late-night sweet potato habits, and always delivers crisp results — who am I to say no?

“can i train my dog to eat Paleo”

You can try, but your dog may have ideas. Raw-fed and grain-free diets can align with Paleo principles, but I wouldn’t count on them giving up their love of chasing hot chips.

“why does my neighbour keep giving me kale”

Either they’ve got a very enthusiastic garden or a very passive-aggressive message. Maybe accept it, smile, and find creative new ways to rehome kale. (Smoothies. Compost. Enemies.)

“how to tell if i’ve gone full Paleo”

If you’ve ever made a pizza base from cauliflower, own three types of coconut flour, and once debated the Omega-3 ratio of kangaroo mince at a barbecue — you’re in deep.

“can you fry with bone broth”

Only if you enjoy soggy sadness. Bone broth is amazing for sipping, stews, and braises — but please don’t swap it for coconut oil in a pan. That way lies culinary heartbreak.

Still Not the Weirdest Search? Let’s Keep Going

Every one of these strange queries just goes to show the range of concerns, curiosities, and culinary crimes people are committing around the world. If nothing else, it’s a comforting reminder that we’re all winging it — and Google is quietly keeping score.

If you’ve arrived here after typing something equally puzzling into a search bar, welcome. You’re among friends. (And if you’ve ever attempted to ferment bananas in a washing machine, I absolutely want to hear from you.)