This week’s strangest Google searches

Every so often I look at the Google searches that brings people to this blog. And as you’ll see, there are some really strange ones. These are the searches that have confused me this week…

“what to feed a maltese dog that has allergies and is sick of eating kangaroo mince???”

(Er, just a suggestion – something other than kangaroo mince?)

“I've cooked a chicken, can i give my cat the jelly stock”

(I'm no cat expert, but maybe it depends on whether your cat likes jelly stock?)

“facebook sad to see what parents do with their babies”

(Perhaps you should be asking social services, rather than me?)

“indonesian women carrying heavy things on their heads”

(Have strong heads?)

“can you make cauliflower rice using a smoothie maker”

(Wouldn’t that be a cauliflower smoothie?)

“is buying a restaurant in a food court a good idea”

(Are we talking McDonalds or Subway?)

“where can i buy refined sunflower oil in Melbourne”

(You’ve come to completely the wrong blog…)

“does kale have to be washed before making chips”

(Let me guess. You've just made a batch of kale chips, then noticed some dried in dirt and maybe an insect – and you're hoping to get the go ahead to dive in? Would it annoy you if I suggested you make a new batch with clean kale?)

“packed lunch ideas for men with no microwaves”

(Ah, if only you’d asked me for lunch ideas for 27-35 year old women with microwaves, I’d have been able to help)

“does crooked teeth lead to a sloped forehead”

(Perhaps you should Google dentist? Or doctor?)

“what is the perfect use of pork and knife”

(Do you mean fork and knife? Or are you trying to eat roast pork without a fork? I’m confused.)

“marine tells kid to shop somewhere else”

(Are you a marine who dislikes children? Or a kid who's been thrown out of a shop? Either way, I'm confused.)

“can you get high off of kangaroo jerky”

(I don't even know where to start with this one)

“where to buy minced meat for babies”

(Everything about that sentence sounds wrong)

“best ipad cover for reading in bed”

(And you found my blog, how?)

“can i just live off fizzy drinks”

(No. Just no.)

“going to work with the flu”

(And passing it on to everyone else?)

“wolves eating a trolley”

(I have nothing for you)

“how to give up food”

(probably best to save this one until you’re dead?)

When Search Engines Go Rogue: More Curious Queries

Having looked through even more of the bizarre search terms that lead people to this blog, I’ve started to realise that Google is not only a search engine — it’s a window into the human psyche. Or at least, into a particularly confused and sometimes deeply concerned subsection of it. Here are some more strange and unexpected ways people have stumbled across paleo.com.au…

“can you make soup in a toaster?”

I’m honestly impressed by the level of optimism in this question. Technically, you could pour soup into a toaster, but I promise the end result will be neither nourishing nor electric shock–free. Invest in a saucepan.

“paleo diet for lizards”

Unless you’re keeping a dinosaur as a pet, I suspect your lizard already follows a pretty ancestral diet. Crickets, worms, the occasional moth — very organic, very free range.

“can I use bacon as a bookmark”

Only if you want to attract dogs, ants, and possibly your local possum population. Also, please don’t lend out that book.

“is it ok to eat only foods that begin with B”

If your list includes beef, broccoli, berries, and bone broth — then sure, that’s a solid Paleo meal plan. But if it’s bread, bagels and beer… we might need to talk.

“can i sun-dry meat on my balcony in sydney?”

Technically yes, but only if you’re prepared for a potential visit from your strata committee, a few confused magpies, and the risk of a council health inspection. Use an oven or dehydrator, or at least wait until winter.

“do almonds count as friends”

If you’ve reached this stage, it might be time to log off and call an actual human. But on the plus side, almonds are supportive, dependable, and always available at short notice.

“can I feed kombucha to my houseplants”

They might not thank you. The acidity and sugar aren’t ideal for foliage — unless you’re growing a particularly hipster indoor jungle.

“how many eggs can i balance on my head if i go Paleo”

The number probably remains unchanged regardless of diet, but I do admire the experimental spirit. Just please film it if you try.

“does the caveman diet include coffee and sarcasm”

Absolutely. While caffeine wasn’t part of Grok’s foraging routine, modern Paleo is all about practical adaptation — and as for sarcasm, well, I consider it essential.

“will eating liver make me less boring”

Potentially. It’s rich in nutrients and iron, so you’ll at least have the energy to talk more. But if you’re pinning your personality on organ meats alone, maybe also work on your anecdotes?

“my child only eats chia seeds, is this normal”

It depends on the quantity and context. A few tablespoons? Fine. A literal bowl of dry seeds for every meal? Might be time for a family food intervention (and a hydration plan).

“how do i politely tell someone their smoothies are weird”

I’d suggest: “That’s a unique combination! I’ve never seen pickles, avocado and protein powder blended before.” Polite, intrigued — and never making eye contact with their Nutribullet again.

“can i paleoify jelly snakes”

Technically, yes. You can use grass-fed gelatin, honey, and fruit juice. But emotionally? You’ll still know you’ve tried to recreate a lolly in the shape of a reptile. Proceed with caution.

“do I need to oil myself to do CrossFit”

Only if you’re competing in a particularly flamboyant version of the CrossFit Games. Otherwise, a simple pair of trainers and a tolerance for burpees should do the trick.

“is an air fryer a valid relationship status”

Look, if it brings you joy, doesn’t judge your late-night sweet potato habits, and always delivers crisp results — who am I to say no?

“can i train my dog to eat Paleo”

You can try, but your dog may have ideas. Raw-fed and grain-free diets can align with Paleo principles, but I wouldn’t count on them giving up their love of chasing hot chips.

“why does my neighbour keep giving me kale”

Either they’ve got a very enthusiastic garden or a very passive-aggressive message. Maybe accept it, smile, and find creative new ways to rehome kale. (Smoothies. Compost. Enemies.)

“how to tell if i’ve gone full Paleo”

If you’ve ever made a pizza base from cauliflower, own three types of coconut flour, and once debated the Omega-3 ratio of kangaroo mince at a barbecue — you’re in deep.

“can you fry with bone broth”

Only if you enjoy soggy sadness. Bone broth is amazing for sipping, stews, and braises — but please don’t swap it for coconut oil in a pan. That way lies culinary heartbreak.

Still Not the Weirdest Search? Let’s Keep Going

Every one of these strange queries just goes to show the range of concerns, curiosities, and culinary crimes people are committing around the world. If nothing else, it’s a comforting reminder that we’re all winging it — and Google is quietly keeping score.

If you’ve arrived here after typing something equally puzzling into a search bar, welcome. You’re among friends. (And if you’ve ever attempted to ferment bananas in a washing machine, I absolutely want to hear from you.)